


the ballad of Sid & his brain

by mayinthebackyard



Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/M, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:00:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29138949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayinthebackyard/pseuds/mayinthebackyard
Summary: Where there’s yin, there’s yang, and where there’s Cassie, there’s Michelle. It’s a simple analogy in Sid’s mind.
Relationships: Cassie Ainsworth/Sid Jenkins, Sid Jenkins/Michelle Richardson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	the ballad of Sid & his brain

**Author's Note:**

> A (sort of) stream of consciousness style summary of what I think Sid's thoughts could have been during Season 1, Episode 5. Also, this is the first thing I've written in ages, so any feedback would be wonderful. I hope you enjoy! :)

“Oh wow, I was really–” Cassie pauses. “I didn’t eat for three days so I could be lovely.”

Shit. Cassie is weird. 

She’s sort of like… a flower? A strange flower, with big, brown eyes that make her look like a deer in headlights. They’re pretty, though– her eyes. As she stands in front of Sid, her smile is big and bright, dazzling even, and certainly of the heart-melting variety– but nervous. This is hardly a surprise; Cassie is always nervous.

And Cassie is thin, like, really thin. Like, makes you wonder if something is wrong, thin, which, well, something is very wrong. Sid knows that. Everybody in Bristol knows that.

As shallow as it is, if he’s being honest, Cassie isn’t exactly Sid’s wet dream body-wise. She’s a bit lacking in the everything-but-bones department. He feels like an asshat every time he has that thought, though, so he hopes his karma isn’t too terribly damaged. She also dresses kooky. Nonetheless, Sid is oddly endeared, and more than that, he feels terrible for her. He thinks he may be the first person who’s ever given Cassie any space to think that maybe, just maybe, he gives a shit about her. 

But alas, where there’s yin, there’s yang, and where there’s Cassie, there’s Michelle. It’s a simple analogy in Sid’s mind. 

Michelle. Gorgeous, bomb-chelle? Michelle. So conventionally attractive. Her eyes are intriguing-a striking mix of blue and green. Her features are cat-like, seductive. She’s tall and womanly, with a full chest and delicate curves. Michelle is bloody hot, and she knows it. 

50% of Sid’s thoughts are occupied by Michelle’s boobs, and the other 50% are occupied by Cassie’s eyes.

In those eyes, every look she gives him says “please love me. Please tell me you like me and you won’t pick someone else over me and you think I’m pretty and thin even though you think Michelle is prettier and thinner and please tell me I’m enough for you, but even if you do, I won’t believe you.”

It can get to be a bit much.

Like any person, both Michelle and Cassie want to be wanted, but they express this desire in contrasting ways. Michelle is alluring: an enchantress. Michelle demands love through the simple act of existing, but Cassie begs for it.

Michelle’s confidence fills every room she’s in. She walks with a smug intention. She’s easy for Sid to understand, and she also has great legs.

Cassie walks into a room and brings an apprehensive sense of longing with her. She tries and tries, but she’s never fully there. She’s just waiting for the other person to tell her either that she’s shit, or she’s fine.

Sid is afraid of Cassie. Well, not afraid, but... you know. He always feels like he should say something more than he does, like he should just grab her and hold her, and tell her that she doesn’t have to try so hard, that she’s fine the way she is. Instead, he sits across from her and listens to whatever she’s rambling on about, mouth agape, trying to comprehend her endless worries and woes about things that have never even crossed his mind. 

Cassie’s hair is pretty and curly, but Sid knows that she needs help, and that scares him. 

Michelle is such a dream. The ideal girl. God, Michelle. Tony is luckier than he knows, and he still wants more. 

And, Sid feels like an absolute arse for thinking this way, but look what he’s wound up with. Cassie is messy, worrying, challenging, clingy. But then, she’s Cassie. She’s a little ball of nerves and sunshine, and Sid likes her... he thinks. He’s just being selfish. 

He feels an immense pressure every time he’s with Cassie to be everything she’s ever needed and more, and he isn’t sure he can deliver. Michelle has been his friend since they were kids. She doesn’t want anything from him, she certainly doesn’t need anything from him; she’s just Michelle, and he’s just Sid, but Cassie is Cassie. 

Truthfully, Sid would like to feel like Cassie’s perfect, like he wouldn’t change a thing about her even if he could. He knows that’s what Cassie deserves. But, that would be a lie. And the truth would devastate Cassie. The fact of the matter is: Sid wishes Cassie were more like Michelle. Not physically, necessarily. Obviously, Michelle is a goddess, but Cassie... Cassie is different. Her looks are fragile, breakable, unsure. Sid has eyes, so he’s always known Cassie is pretty, but lately, something about her makes him want to tell her she’s beautiful every time she thinks she’s not. Maybe it’s because he can tell that she always thinks she’s not. Which is confusing. Because she is. He also wants her to eat, which shouldn’t be as confusing as it is. 

Sid wishes Cassie had Michelle’s confidence. He also wishes she wasn’t lying all the time. He wishes she hadn’t shown him how she avoids eating, because now it’s all he thinks about. He wishes he had said more than “I… care.” He wishes he had asked her why. He wishes he had told her that she could come to him if she needs anything, and that he would try to help her feel better. He wishes he had told her that she can’t keep treating herself like an object. He wishes he had told her that she’s odd, sure, but she’s also gorgeous and lively and energetic and smart and lovely, and for some reason, he wants to wrap her up in a blanket and spoon-feed her soup (this feeling is very foreign to Sid.) He wishes he would have told her that he likes her, too. But does he? He wishes he had told her to stop. Why can’t she just eat? This would all be easier if she would just eat.

Michelle is his friend, but Sid’s been worrying about Cassie since she hadn’t stopped rearranging that posh girl’s kitchen at the party. Also, Sid is pretty sure she’s actually insane. It’s too much of a burden, for Christ’s sake. He has other things to worry about, like… his best friend’s girlfriend.

Well, the thing is, Sid is pretty sure Michelle doesn’t want him. Actually, he’s certain. Any fleeting hope is just an illusion. Sid may be a moron, but he’s not an idiot. 

Cassie, on the other hand, does want him (maybe a bit too much), and Cassie is Cassie, so Cassie is weird and messed up and unloved, but Sid thinks Cassie is sort of beautiful, and he kind of wants to give her every bit of the love she’s been missing, but then there’s Michelle, so Sid doesn’t trust himself to keep Cassie afloat because he’s afraid to be the only one who loves her, because Cassie sure as hell doesn’t love Cassie, so she starves herself until she’s skin and bones, and Sid is an idiot, so he doesn’t say what he’s supposed to say, so it never stops, and Sid is confused because Cassie is a lot, and what if he fucks up and makes Cassie try to kill herself? It’s all so stressful.

Michelle is easy. She’s stunning, she knows it, Sid likes her. Simple.

Well.

He does suppose that he is enamored with Cassie, too, but it feels different than it does with Michelle, and he’s having a hard time telling if that’s a good thing, or if it’s a bad thing.

When Cassie says she hasn’t eaten for three days, so she would be lovely all for Sid, his heart says ‘Cass, you’re being stupid. You don’t have to try to be lovely. You just are. And you’d be even lovelier if you weren’t fucking starving yourself all the time. And besides, I don’t care how your body looks, because your eyes are looking at me right now like you just want to be loved and I want someone to give you that. You are lovely.’

But who is his heart to be listened to? Sid is terrified and he doesn’t think it’s worth it because he may still have a chance with Michelle, so what does his voice say?

“Uh, sorry.”

And, yeah. He is sorry.


End file.
